The Art of The Mess
by WritingRamblingRavenclaw
Summary: What happens when you lose everyone you love? What happens when it changes you, until even you aren't the same person anymore? And what happens when you fall in love again, with the one person who was there to see it all? Marlene is about to find out.SBOC
1. Dying Parrots and Where to Find Them

**Disclaimer: It's. Not. Mine.**

**A/N: ha! Like I'm gonna put an author's note **_**here… **_**if you really wanna read one, click the double backwards arrow and go for it!**

Chapter One-Dying Parrots and Other Beasts 

Professor Minerva McGonagall was in the middle delivering a particularly passionate, thrilling lecture on her subject to her students, who should have been paying close attention, but were most certainly not. In fact, only two eyes in the entire room were on Professor McGonagall- and there were a total of sixty.

The other fifty-eight eyes were gazing intently on their classmate Marlene McKinnon in eager anticipation. They knew what was coming- it happened every day, like clockwork, at three twenty seven in the afternoon. Professor McGonagall became more furious with ever class. Marlene was quite brilliant with a particular aptitude for Transfiguration, so normally she would have been one of the Professor's favorite students. However, Marlene had a tendency to be extremely disruptive. Though she never purposely called attention to herself, she was always fidgeting in her desk-shuffling things- _falling out of her chair- _and then there was that horrible _noise…_even during those rare occasions when she was able to remain still, the students still only paid attention to her!

Marlene herself, however, would have been more than happy to hand over the attention to Professor McGonagall. She loathed having all those people watching her, keeping her from being able to concentrate. In fact, as Transfiguration was her favorite subject, she would have been greatly enjoying Professor McGonagall's speech, had she not been squirming in discomfort, trying to avert her eyes away from every other student in the class. Marlene hated being a distraction, but she could hardly help it. Maybe today, though…perhaps she could fight it off today, perhaps it wouldn't happen. Yes, there. _That's it, Marly, _she told herself, _you are not going to- _

"Hiccup!" An extremely loud, peculiar noise erupted from the petite brunette's mouth. This noise caused the entire class to laugh raucously, some attempting to get a very embarrassed Marlene to give them a high-five as she tried, very hard, to evaporate into thin air. Desperately, she searched her mind for a spell that would allow her to do that. She didn't think there was one, which was very distressing. Or perhaps there was! Perhaps she had just performed it in her head, because everyone seemed to be quieting down… that is, until it happened again, louder.

"Hiccup!" this time, the resulting chaos was cut short by Professor McGonagall's' cry for,

"SILENCE!" she yelled. Then, turning to Marlene, growled, "Miss McKinnon, _kindly _excuse yourself until you have gotten rid of those… _hiccups._"

"Yes, Professor," Marlene mumbled, standing up and shooting a fleeting look at her friends, Alice Meadowes and Lily Evans, who smiled sympathically.

Marlene hated that word. _Sympathetic. _People often regarded her that way; used that word towards her. Every time, she felt a little bit more _pathetic. _

People weren't usually sympathetic towards Marlene because of her famous hiccups. Mainly people simply found them to be an amusing distraction from lessons. Only Marlene's four best friends knew how much she loathed those hiccups; nearly the entire school was well aware of the other reasons one might have for pitying her.

When people weren't teasing Marlene about her hiccups and clumsiness, or begging her for a neck massages, they were psychoanalyzing her odd, quirky behaviors and telling her how terribly sorry they were.

Marlene thought they ought to be terribly sorry for pretending to be so terribly sorry when they really didn't give a damn, but she usually didn't say so. She had lost her temper and blurted it out once, and the apologizing idiot had simply sighed, saying, "Poor girl… been through so much, I fear it's driving her mad…"

Marlene snorted at the thought. She'd been quite mad in the first place, thank you. She was, in no way, suffering form trauma-induced madness. More like hiccup-induced madness, honestly.

She sighed and hiccupped at the same time, attracting several odd looks from frightened first years. Trying to smile at them in a friendly manner, she tried to find a water fountain. Of course, she _didn't _find one, and managed to get lost in the process of looking for one. Which was completely understandable, of course. She'd only been attending Hogwarts for _six years. _

Still hiccupping, her new mission was to find the Transfiguration classroom, but all she found was that she'd had better luck on her first mission. Then, just when she'd been about to give up, she'd found an irritating, obnoxiously handsome scoundrel.

Well- technically, she'd found her. She'd been wandering around the corrider, hiccupping and looking for a water fountain, a cure to hiccups, a bit of chocolate, and of course the Transfiguration room, when he called after her.

"Hey! I've heard there's a dying parrot lurking around the halls somewhere… want to help me find it?"

Marlene whirled around and found herself facing Sirius Black. _Sirius Black. _What a terrible name for him- why, he was less serious that anyone she had ever met, and he was certainly-er- _colorful _in personality.

As cool as possible, Marlene rolled her eyes. "I don't know, Black- I hear there's an obnoxious impertinent slacker aimlessly wandering the halls and harassing every girl he happens to meet. I think I ought to take care of that first."

"Ouch! That was quite good, love, but," he leaned in closer to her, "it might have been a bit more effective if you hadn't been hiccupping the entire time you were saying it."

Glaring at him, she turned on her heel and began to walk away, but he grabbed her wrist.

"What's the matter, Black? I thought you _loved _to watch the girls walk away…" she grinned, "Or is that frequent dazed look because the girl has just slapped you in the face."

"Now, why would this girl ever want to harm my lovely face?"

Marlene laughed. "Knowing you, you probably told her you loved her and then promptly snogged her sister, felt up her best friend, and slept with her mum."

Sirius looked wounded for a moment, but then grinned, "You not-so-subtle jabs at my character are quite painful, Marly dear." He sighed, "you used to be such a _nice _girl… all those vacations you and your family would take with us… don't you miss those times?"

Suddenly, Marlene's playful expression darkened. "Yeah, well, things change," she muttered. "I've got to go-hic-get rid of these hiccups-hic- now!"

"There'll be no need." Sirius smiled, holding up a flask.

Marlene hiccupped again, and stared at the flask, alarmed. "You must be nuts, if you think I'm drinking whatever is in _that _thing."

"Relax, McKinnon," he grinned, unscrewing the top and holding the flask upside down. "Empty." Then, he pulled out his wand, muttered _"Aquamenti!" _and held the now water-filled flask out to her.

She shook her head. "No- I'll just find a water fountain." _Fat chance of that, _she told herself grimly. She waved at Sirius and tried to turn around, but he didn't seem willing to let her go.

"Ah, but I have a matter I need to discuss with you!" he called after her. Curious as ever, Marlene turned around, and eyed the flask warily. Finally, she reached out and took it, but didn't drink it, therefore continuing to hiccup.

"Now, go on! Drink up! And think of something completely disgusting, that always helps." He grinned. "I don't discuss important matters with dying parrots."

Holding up the flask to her lips, Marlene giggled. "Why think of anything? I've got something utterly repulsive right in front of me." She joked, drinking the water and handing the flask back to him. "Anyway, this matter you wanted to discuss…?" She prompted, finally free of her hiccups.

"Well," he smiled. "As you know, my dear friend James is very fond of your dear friend Lily."

Marlene only laughed. "Well, as _you _know, my dear friend Lily wants absolutely nothing to do with your dear friend James."

"I'd like to change that." Sirius grinned.

"You and me both…" Marlene sighed. She wasn't crazy about James Potter, but Lily's ranting about him was at best, right annoying, or at _worst, _completely terrifying.

"So, _I _think that the two of us should do something."

"_Do something_?" Marlene sniggered, "What, we set them up? You're crazy!"

"Aw, come on, Marls, you know they're perfect for each other!"

"Uh, I know nothing of the sort, Black. Lily doesn't even _like _James."

"Which is precisely what we need to change!"

"_We _do not need to do anything. I am not partaking in any psychotic schemes planned by _you _to get my best friend to go out with a guy who she despises!"

"So Evans really does despise him?"

"What did you think? That she's secretly in love with him? That, in fact, she has a James Potter love shrine hidden under her bed? I'm afraid not."

"Well… I didn't exactly picture a _shrine…_but yeah, I always thought she might fancy him, at least a little bit."

"Well, if she does, she hasn't told _me _about it." Marlene sighed. "Why do you even want them together?"

Sirius shrugged. "Prongs is like a brother to me. I've even been living with him- you know how my family is, Marls- and he _really _likes her. Plus… I don't know. I always that they kind of just… _fit, _you know? Sometimes people just seem to fit?"

Marlene nodded, bitterly remembering how she had once _fit, _fit perfectly… and then things had gone horribly, horribly wrong. "I think it's hopeless." She murmured, tugging uncomfortably on a lock of dark hair.

"Lily and James? _Hopeless? _Nah." Sirius smiled. "Definitely not hopeless."

"Yes, it is." Marlene insisted.

"Come on- I thought all girls were supossed to be romantics?"

Marlene thought about that for a moment. Sadly, she remembered how once, she had been romantic… and then everything had turned out as miserably unromantic as possible.

"Not this one." She told him firmly. "You could as Alice or Dorcus or Emmeline, though. They're romantic… maybe you'll have better luck with one of them."

"Ah, but that is where you're wrong. See, I don't need romantic. I need someone to balance out the romantic in me, actually. I need bitter, cynical, jaded, sarcastic bitchy girl."

Marlene glared at him viciously. "So that's what I am, is it?"

He nodded, apparently oblivious to the fact that she was furious at him. "That's what you are."

Then, slowly, she walked towards Sirius Black, observing his handsome face and piercing silver eyes. She lifted up her head, so that their faces were only a centimeter apart. Then, even more slowly, she raised her delicate hand to gently caress his cheek… or slap it furiously, leaving a small handprint and a completely dumbfounded expression on his face. Before she backed away, she glared at him and whispered,

"You're absolutely right." With that, Marlene grinned and turned around, striding down the corridor.

Sirius Blacks stood still and silent, watching her walk away.


	2. A Secret Obsession

**Disclaimer: I do **_**not **_**own Sirius Black… or that Harry Potter either, but as he's not really relevant to this story…**

Chapter Two 

---

The next morning, Marlene awoke to the sound of her best friend Lily Evans sobbing. Sighing, she opened her eyes and stared at Lily, who was flung carelessly over her own bed, pounding on her pillow violently.

"Lily- if you really want to hit something, you could try Sirius Black. It really seemed to help me, and I don't think your pillow can stand much more abuse." Marlene smiled weakly, sitting up.

Lily sat up as well, strands of flaming red hair stuck to her tearstained cheeks. "Oh," she sniffled, "Marls, you can go back to sleep, I didn't mean to wake you…"

"Nah, I haven't been sleeping much anyway," Marlene said quietly. "are you still upset about that stunt Potter pulled, Lils?"

"Among other things," Lily admitted, "he's just so infuriating sometimes! I don't know _why _he thinks that charming a balloon to blow up in my face and sing, 'James Potter loves Lily Evans' is going to make me want to go out with him, but… I don't fancy Potter!" she cried.

"Yeah," Marlene grinned, "You like _Remus._" She laughed, which had been a rarity for her recently. After Lily had fled the Great Hall the previous night due to Potter's antics, she had pitched a hysterical fit about how she despised James and, in fact, fancied his good friend Remus Lupin.

"Well." Lily blushed, "That's- that's _beside_ the point. I don't like Potter anyway. I don't even like him as a _person, _much less as a boyfriend."

"Okay, I see your point," Marlene nodded, "But then why are you _crying _over him? I mean, I rarely cry over guys who I don't like…" she broke off, biting her lip and thinking miserably about the only guy who she had ever wasted her tears on.

"Hey." Lily said, realizing that it was now her turn to be comforting. "Marly, are _you _all right? I know… I know that these last few months have been hard for you. Agonizing, I know. I understand, remember?"

Marlene forced herself to smile, blinking back the tears that had formed in her eyes. "Yeah, Lils. I know. But- hey, this isn't about me. This is about _you, _more specifically about why you were just crying. It's not just Potter, is it?"

"No…" Lily sighed. "It's Remus, too. God, Marly, I don't think he knows I'm alive half the time! I like him _so _much, though." She said wistfully, "It's useless. The only guy who ever looks at me special is _Potter. _Aren't I lucky?"

Marlene wanted to inform Lily that her little speech was a total load of bull shit, but she knew it was useless. Lily was so extremely humble that she would never believe her.

"I'm sure Remus will come to his senses eventually, Lily." Marlene smirked. _Yeah, _she thought, _like when he fell for you _six _years ago…just like every other male in this school._

"Yeah, right," Lily rolled her eyes, but hopped out of bed anyway, looking a bit more cheerful. "I'm going to go take a shower, all right, Marls? It looks like Allie left already, and Dorcus and Emmy are still asleep…Sorry to have waken you."

With that, Lily left. Marlene was now the only conscious person in the dormitory, and she hated that feeling. The complete and utter silence of it was excruciating. Marlene had always loathed being the first one up or the last one asleep, and her hatred of that situation had only been heightened by those recent events that haunted her every waking moment. Sleeping wasn't much better, though- in sleep; her troubles were simply converted into terrible nightmares.

Sighing audibly, she walked towards the mirror and detested everything she saw. _Stupid girl, _she scolded herself, _you even _look _weak. Which would explain why everyone keeps asking you how you're doing. I'm doing _fine, _thank you, and tell everyone else who wants to know the same!_

Marlene did have a certain delicate look about her. She was very petite, measuring exactly five feet tall, but that wasn't all. Lately, she had been much too thin- she looked like she could be easily snapped in half. Before, she had been softly curvy, but she hadn't eaten very much recently. It was showing all around, too- her once thick, silky brown waves had become dry and limp, and her prominent dark blue eyes almost looked too large for her thin face. She appeared to be breakable- or worse, _broken. _Annoyed at herself, she glared at the girl in the mirror. It didn't work- her attempt at appearing fierce and angry was weak and withering, like the rest of her. As she relaxed her face, profound sadness was reflected in her large navy blue eyes. There were no tears, but she always seemed to be on the verge of crying, even when she laughed. She didn't laugh often, though.

A lot more than her appearance had changed in the past few months. For her first five years at Hogwarts, Marlene had been considered the most lively and interesting girl in school. She had almost a split personality, but both Marlene's were wonderful. One minute she was feisty, crazy, wild and saucy; the next she was wise, compassionate, witty, and warm. Boys loved her-_everyone _loved her. She could be a terrible flirt, a complete tease, but when attached she was steadfast and caring. She had a knack for simply understanding- she could almost feel other people's pain, and her unique sensitivity made her an incredible friend. Fiercely loyal, gently compassionate, funny when it was needed most; she was the girl to go to when you were hurting. She had a knack for grabbing hold of a person's attention, and keeping it, until she was willing to let it go. For one thing, she had been so captivatingly beautiful- for another, she was simply worthy. Everything that came out of her mouth was interesting. She had a way of describing things that made everyone want to listen. She was extreme- her personality, her features, her temper, her _hiccups- _it was only fitting that when she changed, she changed completely.

The new Marlene was everything that the old one wasn't. Where she had once stood out, she now blended in. Once she had taken pleasure in being captivating, but now she did everything possible to _not _attract attention. She became part of the background; she was just _there. _Before she could never stop talking- her curse, she always said- but now she was often quiet, only speaking to people who she wasn't close to when it was absolutely necessary. Of course, traces of the old Marlene still remained. Her wit, for instance- she continued delivering her signature comeback lines, sarcastic comments, and funny observations. She was still a great friend to her closest companions. You could even still say she was beautiful, in a waifish model way. She had lost so much that day, though. Her personality, her funny little quirks, her exquisite beauty- all of the things that made her _Marly. _ Everyone noticed- her classmates, her friends, her teachers… and one boy who had been watching her quite closely…

---

Sirius Black awakened to the sound of his own best friend- not crying, but swearing loudly, which is what most teenaged boys tend to do when they wish they could cry. Sirius groaned, as he sat up and rubbed his cheek, which was still a bit sore from where Marlene McKinnon had smacked it the day before. He grinned despite the pain… Marlene had always been a hard hitter.

As they were both members of prestigious pureblood families, Sirius and Marlene had grown up together. Their mums had gotten on very well, though Sirius couldn't see why. Mrs. Black was despicable, rude, obnoxious, and snobby, and Mrs. McKinnon was the second nicest woman he had ever met, the first being James' mum. However odd the friendship was, it had been a strong one. The Blacks and McKinnons had taken numerous family vacations together, to the South of France and the McKinnon's beach home in Ireland. Sirius and Marlene had always been thick as thieves growing up, though sometimes Marly would lose her temper on him.

Usually their petty little arguments had something to do with Tommy. Tommy was Marlene's best friend; her partner in crime, her sidekick, and, most importantly, her idol. She had been in love with him from the age of eight onward, and though it would take six years for him to admit it, he had always felt the same way. They had coexisted as a happy threesome for a while, but soon a young love triangle emerged. Sirius developed a rather large crush on his beautiful playmate, and for the first and last time so far in his young life, his feelings were completely unreturned. And, being a young, short-tempered child, the second that Sirius had discovered that his darling Marlene was in love with _Tommy, _he had proceeded to find Tommy and hit him as hard as possible. 

Of course, Sirius's strikes were not nearly as painful as the ones that he received from Marlene only minutes later. She had always been sassy, uninhibited, and unafraid to hit a boy that most were afraid to talk to. Now, while most boys would take that as a sign to stop pursuing the girl in question, Sirius was not most boys, especially not in this case. It was only fitting; Marlene McKinnon was definitely not most girls. So Sirius had harbored his secret obsession with Marlene for the past seven years. And it was secret. James Potter was Sirius's best friend, and while they seemed to be quite alike, in some respects they were incredibly different…

James was in love with Lily Evans, and he wanted the whole world to know it. Sure, Lily didn't feel the same way about him, but in James's mind, that was just a small detail. It could be changed- it _would _be changed- and until then, it would be overlooked. Sirius wasn't quite as brave as James was. Marlene McKinnon was in love with Thomas Daniel Scott, and Sirius would accept that, like he always had, ever since that day when Marlene had hit him for having a problem with it. He would respect Marlene's feelings like the gentleman that he-_sometimes- _was. Always. Even now, when Thomas Daniel Scott wasn't exactly able to return those feelings. Even now, when Thomas Daniel Scott was dead. Especially now.

"Sleep well, mate?" Sirius asked James, still rubbing his cheek, "Or were you haunted by dreams… dreams of the beautiful and elusive Lily Evans… dreams that maybe caused you to _talk in your sleep…_"

After swearing even louder, James groaned. "What- what did I say, exactly?"

"Hmm… I believe it was something to the effect of… 'Lilykins… so _pretty… _such a_ bitch, _though…just give me a chance… oh, Lily…'". Sirius grinned.

James glared at him. "Low blow, mate." He said angrily, but then grinned, "Speaking of blows, Padfoot, how exactly did you manage to attain that lovely facial decoration?"

"Katherine Davenport." Sirius lied quickly, "Er- you know… woman scorned, and all that. Didn't ask her out on a second date."

"Ah." James nodded. "Sorry, Pads. Well- see you later, mate, gotta go do damage control… I suspect Lily'll be expecting a heartfelt apology, and I must deliver."

Sirius nodded goodbye to James, and watched his best friend leave, remembering that he probably had some damage control to attend to himself.


	3. Screaming Matches and Soul Mates

The Art of The Mess

Chapter Three

Marlene was determined to have a nice day. She was going to go down to breakfast, dine with her friends, and then go to class. Everything would be perfectly normal. She would not cry, she would not hiccup and she would most certainly not talk to, think of, or even _look at _that _person _at all. Marlene's plans didn't usually work out very well.

"'Lena, my darling!" the all-too familiar voice called from behind her the moment she stepped out of the portrait hole. Crash and burn in less than three seconds.

However, she was also determined to keep composure. "Why, hello, Sirius," she said calmly, without looking back. "How's your face?"

"Quite well, thank you. I'm sure you were very worried?"

"Didn't sleep a minute." She said dryly. This was true, actually, but her lack of sleep had very little to do with Sirius Black or his wounded face. Suddenly, he sped up so that he was walking backwards in front of her, an easy grin on his handsome face.

"So?" he asked, "During your torturesome sleepless hours which you spent sick with worry at the thought of my poor, poor wounded cheek, did you find time to consider my proposal, Miss McKinnon?"

She ignored this. "You're going to run into someone." She said, eyeing the first year scurrying along behind him.

He disregarded this comment. "C'mon, Marlene, it'd be fun, conspiring together. Like old times."

_Like old times. _As if anything could possibly be 'like old times' ever again.

She rolled her eyes. "As much fun as it sounds to co conspire against my best friend, Sirius, I'll have to decline."

"We wouldn't be conspiring _against _Lily! We'd be helping her!"

"Somehow I doubt that Lily would consider setting her up with James Potter _helpful. _You heard her last night, she wants nothing to do with James!' 

"Oh, she was only saying that." Sirius shrugged.

Marlene laughed. "_Only saying that? _Let me assure you, Sirius, Lils was being completely honest last night."

"Well, than she's deluding herself. Lily and James are perfect."

Marlene hesitated. She had always agreed that Lily and James were perfectly suited for each other. Recently, she had endured several verbal spankings for voicing this opinion. After last night, though… Lily seemed to despise James more than ever, and maybe that was how it should be. Maybe they weren't suited after all.

"Lily and James are perfectly-." Marlene closed her eyes. "Perfectly incompatible. I'd like to see them together as much as you would, but it would never work out. They're too different."

"They were friends once." Sirius reasoned.

Marlene looked him in the eye, an undeniable sadness in her expression. She sighed. "So were lots of people, Sirius." She turned to walk away, but he caught her tiny wrist.

"Oh, come on, Marls- we're still friends!"

She laughed again, that cruel derisive laugh. "Honestly, Sirius. Yesterday was the first time you've said more than two words to me all term. I'd hardly call that _friendship. _You wouldn't go for an _hour _without talking to James or Lupin or Pettigrew."

Sirius was silent, because, as usual, she was right. "Look- Marlene- I didn't know what to say, all right? You'd- your boyfriend and your parents had just been killed, and I don't know what that's like, I couldn't begin to know what that's like. I wanted to talk to you, but I- I was scared, all right?"

"You were scared?" she asked him quietly, her blue eyes so much colder than his gray ones. "Did you come home to find the Dark Mark over your house, Sirius? Did you have to go in and find not your parents, but their lifeless bodies? Did _you _have to see the person you loved, dead because they thought _he _was your parent's child? Did you have to count on Dumbledore to make sure you weren't murdered in your sleep?" Her voice was shaking, her eyes glistening angrily. "Don't talk to me about being scared, Sirius."

---oOoOo---

Shaking with anger and misery, Marlene sat in the empty Gryffindor common room, skiving off her lessons. Before this year, she would have only done that to have fun with her friends, for a laugh; but now she frequently skipped classes for a cry instead. She was a different person now.

Suddenly, she heard someone enter through the portrait hole. She shut her eyes. "_Sirius Black, _would you _please _just leave me alone for _ten seconds_?" she cried angrily.

"Marlene?" She blinked, shaking her head in embarrassment. It was a familiar male voice- but it wasn't his.

"Oh." She said, struggling to get a hold of herself, "Hi, Potter."

James settled into the armchair next to hers. "Sirius giving you a hard time?" he asked kindly, sounding concerned and also rather depressed. "I can tell him to lay off, if you want."

"He wants me to help set you up with Lily." She said. She was pretty sure that Sirius didn't want her to tell him that, but she didn't really care.

"And you refused?" James asked, pretending to be offended.

"When- _if- _Lily wants to go out with you, wouldn't you rather she did it of her own accord, rather than because someone tricked her into it?" she sighed.

"She doesn't need to be _tricked,_" he said, "Just, maybe… _nudged, _a bit."

Marlene laughed. "Hmm. Perhaps."

"So… that's why you were crying then? Because Sirius annoyed you to tears?"

"No." she said, wiping the tears off her face. "He said something about… last summer. No big deal, really… I'm fine. Just- just being stupid, really."

"You aren't stupid." James assured her quietly, "I know how you feel." Mr. Potter had been murdered by Voldemort over the course of the summer as well, Marlene remembered. She had stayed at the Potter Mansion with James and Mrs. Potter after her own family was killed.

"I know." She agreed in a tiny voice. "Lils has more in common with you than she'd want to admit."

James chuckled at this. "I should hope so. Lily has trouble accepting the fact that we are members of the same race."

"She's deluded herself as far as you're concerned." Marlene laughed. "You should have heard her going on last night in the dormitories, said the most ridiculous things about you. Called you a _player._"

"I haven't gone out with anyone all term!" he said defensively.

"So I told her. She threw a hairbrush at me. Violent, that one." She smiled, thinking of her short-tempered best friend.

"Our best friends are a bit messed up in the head, aren't they, Marls?" James grinned, ruffling her hair.

"Oh, yes. Sirius more so than Lily, I'd say. She's only messed up when you're involved."

James laughed. Sirius was usually most messed up when Marlene was involved, actually, but since he had chosen to keep his crush a secret James didn't mention it. They were silent for a moment.

"She really despises me, doesn't she?" James said finally. It wasn't a question, really, more of a statement. The look on his sad face begged Marlene to contradict him, though. She suddenly understood why Sirius was so determined to help.

"Well…" she sighed, trying to find a way to be honest and kind at the same time.

James frowned. "Sometimes I think that she really doesn't but she's gotten so used to pretending that she can't stop."

Marlene looked at him, slightly astonished, and smiled. "You understand Lily better than anyone else I know." She told him quietly. "Except for me, of course," she added with a grin.

"What'd you mean? That woman is the biggest mystery on Earth to me." He said, but he grinned admiringly, just thinking about Lily. "You- you think I understand her?" he asked hopefully.

"I do." Marlene nodded, watching James' face light up with happiness at the thought.

"Does understanding her give me a better chance with her?" He asked after awhile of soaking in this new discovery.

Marlene studied him. She remembered Lily's hysterical rant from the night before, her yelling and screaming. Her confession of her crush on James' friend, Remus Lupin. She squinted. The night before, she had understood perfectly why Lily would choose Remus over James. Now, though, she had this gut feeling that James was right, perfect for Lily. She had this feeling that James would win in the end.

"In the long haul… yeah, it just might." She smiled. James grinned as well, hugged her gratefully, and said that he would leave her alone now. She sighed, watching him go. If only she was so easily cheered up.


	4. Sirius Moments

**Author's Note: All right. I probably should have done this last chapter, but I'd like to address a review sent in by PadfootStripQuidditch(an awesome penname, BTW) for Chapter Two. This review mentioned that Marlene's past personality seemed too… **_**perfect. **_**And, after rereading Chapter Two… It really does seem that way, which is my fault, because while present Marly is an absolute mess, past Marlene was definitely not perfect. She has always been a person with flaws and issues, and she's also really quirky, which I like. I don't particularly want to **_**list **_**all of her flaws here, because that would take forever and ever- but most of her issues were always around. You'll be able to figure out which ones are grief-induced and which are originally Marlene if you pay attention. You can request a list in a review if you really really want one, but somehow I doubt anyone will. ******

**Well, here's chapter four! This story isn't doing terribly well as far as reviews, which is why I'm not so quick to update, but I like it too much to give it up. Guess I'm simply stubborn that way. Hope you like it… Enjoy and review!******

**Disclaimer: If I am JK Rowling, than I had better get my arse off of and start working on that heavily detailed Harry Potter Encyclopedia that I promised all of my obsessed fans! So, obviously, I am not. **

O.o.0.o.O 

It had been three perfect, peaceful weeks, and Marlene had had almost no contact with _him _whatsoever.

She had passed him in the corridors, of course, laughing raucously with his friends, and she'd smile politely at Remus and Pettigrew. She'd return James' lopsided grin sincerely, sometimes greeting him verbally, and then she'd keep walking, quietly wishing Sirius Black out of existence.

She'd seen him in class, inevitably, as their desks in Potions were facing each other. She wouldn't say a word to him through the entire lesson, though. She hadn't quite reached a level of such complete immaturity that she used Lily as a messenger, but if she needed an ingredient, she was much more likely to ask someone else in the area. She'd chat idly with James, who was his partner, or converse about more important matters with Lily, who was hers.

At meal times, obviously, their paths would cross, because James often decided to sit facing Lily, which put Sirius in front of Marlene. She completely ignored him, of course. She focused her attention on her friends, instead- Alice, who would be giggling over something with her seventh-year boyfriend, Frank; Dorcus, who would be flirting with someone at random; Emmeline, who chatted amiably with the Marauders, as she was friendly with all four of them; and Lily, of course. Lily would be talking to James, because at some point during those three weeks, presumably when Marlene wasn't paying attention, they had become friends again. Lily often looked uncomfortable, though, or even _guilty, _and she kept catching Remus's eye, communicating with him silently. They had been together since they'd snogged in the library three weeks ago, but nobody knew it yet. Marlene, of course, had figured it out the same day it happened.

Occasionally, she would turn her attention to the other three Marauders instead. James, with his eyes locked on Lily's, listening intently to every word she had to say; Remus, eyes also locked on Lily, though he didn't typically talk to her at meal times; and Peter. Marlene didn't usually spend much time looking at Peter, because he was quite boring, chewed with his mouth open, and wasn't _nearly _as nice to look at as James and Remus.

Though neither of them were quite as handsome as-

_Where did that come from?_

She pushed the thought out of her mind quickly, glancing back at James and Lily. They were talking about Transfiguration, more precisely Lily's next tutoring session. She had been somewhat comforted when Lily had asked James to help her with lessons. Perhaps they didn't need her help at all. Perhaps _he _just wanted to feel useful for once. Okay, perhaps these hopes had been dampened by Lily's budding relationship with Remus; she was already talking about being in _love _with him, after all. Still, maybe that was just proof that Lily belonged with someone else after all.

Emmeline was talking to Remus, who was eyeing Lily and James warily. Dorcus was flirting with Gideon Prewett, expertly twirling a blonde curl around her finger. Alice and Frank… were being disgusting, so Marlene had no interest in watching them. Peter… wasn't there. She hadn't even noticed. Her navy eyes flitted from person to person anxiously, trying to find someone suitable to watch, trying to keep them from landing-

_There._

He was laughing, a sharp bark sounding through the Hall as he nudged James playfully. The silver eyes were lit, shining almost as brightly as the white teeth against the tanned face. He was so happy, so _whole- _and Marlene was jealous.

She hadn't been whole since summertime, since that day when she walked in and found them all. She'd been _hollow. _How dare he sit there, laughing and grinning, when he'd known them, too? How dare he be happy when she wasn't? How _dare _he be so untouched and strong, while she was fragile and collapsing?

_How dare he be alive when Tommy was dead?_

How dare _she _be alive? How could anyone go on with life now? The world was over, and no one else seemed to see it. It was just her, broken and partial, weak and too skinny and _dying. _Sirius was _fine, _just like everyone else. He didn't care that Tommy was dead. He'd never really liked him much anyway. He sat there, with his mates, laughing and pranking and not caring- not caring that he couldn't laugh. Not caring that she couldn't laugh much either. He didn't even care that she wasn't speaking to him. He wasn't torn up inside. He was fine.

She'd never forgive him for that.

O.o.0.o.O

"Miss McKinnon?" called Proffessor Slughorn. Marlene rolled her eyes. If there was one teacher and one class she despised, it would be Slughorn and Potions. She wasn't bad at potions, but then, it certainly didn't hurt to have Lily as a partner- she was the best of all, above even Severus Snape. Slughorn, on the other hand… she'd never liked or trusted him. He was relatively harmless, but his favoritism was out of control.

"Yes, Proffessor?" she sighed, walking to his desk.

"Miss Evans is at an important meeting and won't be able to make the class today."

"Oh." Marlene frowned, "Is she all right?"

"Fine. I believe it has something to do with Prefect duties… In any case, though, you'll need another partner for the day, and since Mr. Potter is also at this meeting, it only makes sense that you'll be working with Mr. Black today."

She blinked. "Mr.-_Sirius_ Black?"

He chuckled. "Don't complain, Miss McKinnon, please. He's not as brilliant as Lily, of course, but he's certainly a talented fellow."

"I-I know he's-" she sighed. "Yes, Professor."

She sat down, rather sulking, and sighed. An entire class, spent working with _him. _She'd actually have to speak to him.

He was late, and Professor Slughorn wouldn't start giving instructions until everyone showed up. When he finally waltzed in, grinning lazily at everyone, he didn't even get _detention. _He just sat down and professor Slughorn never said a word. Until he said a few words that were _extremely _disturbing.

"Today we will be brewing Amortentia."

O.o.0.o.O

"Lena?" he asked tentatively, after fifteen minutes of complete and utter silence on her part.

"Don't call me that." She growled, grinding her teeth as she aggressively sliced the ingredients.

"You're _hurting _the potion ingredients." He laughed, "And why can't I call you Lena? I've always called you that."

"Things are different now." She muttered.

He was silent. "Marlene, I'm really sorry, all right? What I said to you- I wasn't thinking. And I was just being stupid, not talking to you before. I feel like a prat, and I'm sorry."

She was silent.

"Care to say something?"

Still silent.

"Marlene?"

Nothing.

"Come on, you know I don't do apologies… this is a very special case… you got Sirius Black to tell you he was sorry… Come on, Marlene, what do you want from me?" 

"You could get on your knees and beg for forgiveness." She suggested, but managed a small smile.

"I couldn't, really. I have… weak knees." He grinned.

"Weak knees?" she smirked, "I see. Now, who is the lucky girl leaving Sirius Black _weak in the knees_? I'm sure she'll want to be alerted immediately."

"I'd prefer to keep that between me and my knees, actually. I'll let her know eventually."

"So there _is _a girl." She grinned.

"Of course." He blinked, "Isn't there always?"

"What's she like?" she asked curiously.

He smirked. "If I told you, it might give it away."

Marlene smiled, but somehow she'd started to feel this odd lump in her stomach. She sighed. _Cramps, probably_, she convinced herself._ It's fine. It has nothing to do with Sirius or his mysterious girl…_

She brushed away any stray curiosity and continued to work on the potion. When it was done, the color a pearly pink, swirling spirals lifting upward, she froze in shock.

She'd smelled Amortentia before, several times, and always it had been the same scent, certain and reassuring. Freshly brewed coffee- her unhealthy addiction since the age of seven- the new book smell, and Tommy's cologne.

The first two smells were there, of course. She smiled as she breathed in the scent of coffee, feeling more awake and alive than she had all day. New books- made her want to head to the bookstore in Hogsmeade, just for the smell. But the third smell- what was _that_ one?

She stood up slowly, her eyes beginning to well up with hot tears.

_It wasn't Tommy._


	5. A Crying Shame

**Chapter Five: The Art of the Mess**

_Lips that taste of tears, they say,  
Are the best for kissing.  
Dorothy Parker_

"Leh- Lena?" he asked uncertainly, looking up at where she stood, ghost-white and shaking, eyes welling with tears. The sound, his voice, her old forgotten nickname, sent her over the edge. The tears gather in her eyes had spilled and were falling, insistent and strong. Now everyone was watching as she broke down and cried, cried, cried.

Her eyes were fixed on Sirius, though, and he squirmed under the pressure. He looked away, stared at the potion instead, and breathed deeply, not only because he was being an idiot but also because the air around him was fire whiskey and Mrs. Potter's dinner and the odd mixture of ocean and lavender and caramel-y coffee that could only belong to her.

Taking in her smell, offbeat and unusual, he turned around to face her and found that she was gone. He suddenly became aware that the entire class was staring at him and whispering.

"What the _hell _is wrong with McKinnon?" some Slytherin muttered to his friend.

"Still cut up about her parents, in't she? And the Hufflepuff idiot she was going out with, Scott. Lot of blood-traitors anyhow, deserved what they got. Only sorry they didn't get her along with'm…"

Sirius wasn't a rational sort of person. No one had ever said that he was cautious, or that his actions were typically well thought-out and intelligent. Well- Marlene had, once. She was being sarcastic, as usual. So the world was in agreement. If there was ever a rash, careless young man in the world, it was Sirius Black.

So like the rash, careless young man that he was, Sirius stood up and punched the guy in the face.

O.o.O.o.O

He was supposed to go to McGonagall's office but of course he never did what he was supposed to, particularly when McGonagall was involved. Instead he looked for Marlene, which did not take very long because she was exactly where he'd expected her to be.

She was in the secret passageway behind the mirror on the fifth floor. She'd found it when she was an annoying nosy third-year and she'd followed Sirius and James out of the castle.

She'd found them in the Three Broomsticks, drinking soft liquor and flirting shamelessly with the pretty barmaid, Rosmerta. They'd had the shock of their lives when they turned around to find Marly-Lena McKinnon standing behind them, smirking as she gulped her butterbeer in one swig.

Sirius had been equally shocked the previous year, when he'd discovered her in the tunnel with _him. _Not to mention uncomfortable. From the looks of it, they'd been together awhile, but that was the first he'd seen or heard of it. Maybe his feelings for Marlene weren't as top-secret as he'd always fancied them, or maybe he just wasn't important enough to tell. Either way, he somehow knew she'd be there.

She was huddled against the wall of the roomy tunnel, her short skinny legs drawn to her chest, her face resting on her knees as the tears flew out of her eyes and left spots on her dark robes.

Some girls were pretty when they cried. He'd seen enough of them to know; he'd usually been the cause of the sobbing. But some of those girls were so beautiful with, with silver tears gliding down their velvet cheeks that it didn't really matter that they were crying.

Marlene was not one of those girls. The Irish blood that had given her a lilting, musical voice and those twinkling sort of eyes had also given her milk-colored skin that became red and blotched with tears, making her many freckles seem more solid and more brown. Her dark hair wad falling out of its bun, a section of brown curls hanging limp in her face. The much-too thin body was shaking and trembling and at that moment when she was miserable and crying and not pretty in the slightest, Sirius was almost certain he was in love with her.

She only realized Sirius was there when he kneeled down next to her, and even then he was preoccupied with the smell. The smell that had replaced _his _smell; that had overpowered the coffee and the new books. The smell that was now clouding the air.

Sirius… 

Slowly, she stood up, and he followed her. The tears hadn't stopped- in fact, they were falling harder than ever- as she lunged at him, angry and sobbing and soaking wet, and began to punch him as hard as she could.

She hit hard and sharp, but he couldn't feel a thing. Her sloppy blows to his pounding chest were painless. Eventually, she lifted her hand to slay him, and he grabbed her thin wrists, staring into her tearstained face intensely. Sobbing, she pulled away and threw her arms around him, crying into his chest.

"_IhateyouIhateyouIhatehatehate…"_

Sirius wasn't the comforting sort of guy, not the way his friends were. James could do comfort- millions of times during his four-year friendship with Evans, even occasionally during that angry two year period where she didn't even like him, she had cried into his steady shoulder, blew her nose on the sleeve of his robe.

Remus was probably even better, clearly the sensitive type, and nice to everyone. He was the type who knew exactly which kind words to whisper, when to offer his finest Honeydukes chocolate.

Sirius wasn't that sort, and he wasn't sure he could be if he wanted to, which he didn't. He could hold a girl, though. That he knew how to do, and well, even if it was a shaking, sobbing Marlene McKinnon.

So he tucked his arm around her waist and slipped the other hand over her thatch of curly hair, and he held her tightly and hoped she wouldn't let go anytime soon. A few moments passed and she stopped saying I hate you and simply cried again, and soon the tears were silent, and then they were gone, but she still didn't let go.

"I loved him so much." She murmured into his robes.

"I know you did." Sirius said somewhat uncomfortably.

"I- I just-"

"Shh." He whispered, "It's all right, Lena, I understand."

They stood like that for what seemed like hours, until she released his torso and he pressed his lips to the top of her head. Startled, she looked up at him, and he looked down at her, at her wet red face and sad blue eyes and limp sweaty hair, and suddenly focused on the only untouched feature on her thin face.

Her pink, soft, quivering lips, that suddenly had his full attention.

They were cold, but they warmed up. They were damp, too, like her rough cheek pressed against his. The kiss got deep and deeper until she was clinging to him again and it wasn't perfect or pretty or even particularly _right, _but it made Sirius Black feel something for once and that was nearly a miracle.

They broke apart and she was breathless and her head was spinning almost as fast as her heart was pounding and though she felt as though she should be crying, the tears didn't come, so she looked up at Sirius once again and she left.

She really was an awful person, sometimes.


	6. Taking Notes

**A/N: Soo… most reviews ever last chapter, which definitely rocks, because it was without a doubt my favorite so far. I'm going to **_**try **_**to update about once a week, but I make no promises. Please enjoy, and… you know what's coming… REVIEW!! I love love love reviews. ******

Chapter Six 

_Taking Notes_

It was in copying Lily's Potions notes that Marlene realized just how different she was from her best friend.

Lily's notes were held in a small, glittery pink pad that she had bought in a Muggle shop, organized and compact. She also had six bottles of ink in different hues, so each section of perfectly neat print was color-coded- not to mention _glittery._

Sighing in frustration, Marlene glanced down at her own-copied version. Several sheets of fragmented parchment lie in front of her, all frayed at the edges and crumpled from being scattered loosely in her bag. Her messy handwriting, switching indecisively from cursive to print, was completely black and solid, and surrounded by sloppy drawings. She read what she had written down before fleeing the class. She could make out the words, unlike any one else who attempted to, but found that she had been writing in half-sentences and discontinuous thoughts, hardly making any sense whatsoever.

_Lily's _content was clear, concise, and accurate, just like Lily herself. The only doodles present on her pages were of swirly little hearts, complete with the initials 'RL' scrawled inside. Marlene rolled her eyes. Lily had become a bit hopeless recently, all aflutter and giggly. All she ever seemed to discuss was Remus… his 'gorgeously shaggy hair', and 'deep, penetrating, kind amber eyes'. Marlene could now provide anyone who asked with an entire, head-to-toe description of Remus Lupin that was not only thorough, but also vomit inducing. Lily had even reconciled with James, so there weren't even the occasional psychotic rants to break-up the mush. Everytime Marlene said a word about Lily's obnoxiously cheery attitude; Lily only gave her a pitying look and sighed. "Oh, Marly… I'm so sorry, I know this is difficult for you…"

Every time Lily said this, Marlene had a little more trouble resisting from screeching that Lily's declarations of love were _difficult _for anyone who wished to keep their lunch in their stomachs. Lily, who for six years had been Marlene's best friend, partner in crime, and sharer in cynical views, was suddenly the most annoying person in the _entire _world. Suddenly, she was on the list of people who Marlene was avoiding, which, incidentally, had grown to include more or less the entire Hogwart's population. At this point, the only people she was willing to speak to regularly were Dorcas, Emmeline, and the less observant teachers.

She was fine, though. Everything was just fine. She was great, thanks for asking, better than ever.

---

She was worse than ever, he had decided. Every time he saw her, she looked more miserable. She was _always _alone, carrying too many books in her frail arms, and seemingly close to tears. Even Evans didn't seem to be speaking to her anymore, and under normal circumstances, Marlene McKinnon and Lily Evans did not go for five consecutive minutes without talking, chattering incessantly in that secret language of best friend banter. Every time Lily approached Marlene these days, she'd brush her off just like she did everyone else. Sirius was starting to worry, and ask anyone- Sirius Black did _not _worry.

Was it _him_? Had he somehow caused this breakdown, with his comfort and kiss? It seemed to have started that day, after she had run from the passageway. She certainly hadn't said a word to him since then, and not for lack of trying on his part. When he attempted to speak to her at meal times or during class, she would stiffen and excuse herself. In the hallways, she struck up a forced conversation with whoever happened to be standing within a close radius and pretended not to hear. Once, in an empty classroom, he had risked calling out to her.

_She actually ran away. _It was becoming evident that he was being avoided, just like Lily and Alice and the rest of the Hogwarts population. Unlike the rest of them, though, Sirius wasn't about to ignore it and pretend it wasn't happening. Sirius didn't deal very well with being ignored.

---

It was Hogsmeade weekend, but, predictably, Marlene wasn't going. She hadn't been since her last date with Tommy on her birthday, exactly a month before the murder. Instead, she had usually spent her Hogsmeade weekends with Lily, who would stay with her out of compassion and pity. Marlene had put up a fight at first, but had soon become accustomed to it. Today, however, Lily was on some sort of 'just-as-friends' date with James, which was making Remus very nervous, probably for good reason. James didn't exactly come off as the type to hold up his side of the 'just-friends' bargain with the girl he'd been in love with for six years. Marlene had spent approximately four minutes with Remus before getting sick of his angsting and heading for the kitchens, because those house-elves were nice and cooperative and almost never asked questions.

"Miss Marlene!" called a small voice from Marlene's knees, "So nice to see you again! What can Minnie get for Miss Marlene today?"

Marlene managed a little smile of affection for her favorite elf. "Could you make my coffee for me, Minnie?"

"Of course! What would Miss Marlene like to eat… a chocolate muffin? Treacle tart? An espresso brownie? Caramel cake, perhaps, Miss Marlene's favorite treat?"

Marlene bit her lip, then forced a much larger, more artificial smile. "Just a coffee would be fine, Minnie." She said quietly, sinking into a chair.

The elf examined her carefully, huge blue eyes narrowed slightly.

"If you don't mind Minnie saying so, Miss Marlene, you don't look very well, no, no. You aren't eating enough, Minnie has heard! Mister Sirius-" Minnie stopped abruptly, looking guilty.

"Sirius?" Marlene asked, succumbing to her fatal curiosity as usual. "Wha- what did he say about me?"

"Minnie only asked how you were doing, Miss Marlene. After Mister James had left to see his Miss Lily. Minnie worried about Miss Marlene, you know, when she did not come to visit. Minnie was right to worry, she hears! Mister Sirius told Minnie that Miss Marlene was very sad and not eating much of our Hogwart's food at all! Minnie thought that perhaps Miss Marlene wasn't happy with the food Hogwart's was serving, so Minnie made sure that all of Miss Marlene's favorite foods were served, but Mister Sirius says that there has been no difference!" 

Marlene felt herself fill with affection with the elf, but persisted. "Is that all he said?"

"No- he says that Miss Marlene has not been talking to anyone, not even Miss Lily! He also said that she was crying all of the time… and he tells Minnie…" Minnie's brown cheeks started to color as she broke off.

"What?" Marlene asked eagerly, "Minnie- this is important, all right?"

"Yes, Miss Marlene." Minnie said quietly. "Mister Sirius… He said that he misses- his… his Lena. That's all he says."

Marlene blinked in shock. 

"Minnie-" She said finally, "Thank you very much, all right? Thank you for everything. I'll see you later." She smiled weakly, and stood up to leave.

"Your coffee, Miss Marlene!" Minnie cried, brandishing the delicate Hogwarts coffee cup filled to the rim with coffee and a flourish of whipped cream topped with caramel. The intoxicating scent reached her and she couldn't resist.

"I'll take it with me." She said firmly, accepting the cup from Minnie.

"Miss Marlene will be back soon, yes?" Minnie asked anxiously, looking up at Marlene with worry.

"Very soon, Minnie, I promise." She said kindly, and made her way towards out of the kitchen, smiling almost genuinely for the simple perfection of coffee.

---

Taking a sip from the steaming cup, Marlene began to consider what Minnie had said.

"_He says he misses you. Misses his- his Lena…"_

Marlene bit her lip worriedly. Missed her? Yes, she had been avoiding him, but this was _Sirius. _Since when did he care so much about her? She'd never considered that possibility much in the past- She'd never considered _him _very much before the murder. He was who he was; her friend since childhood, partner in her first Quidditch game. He was _there, _the one who enjoyed anecdotes and comments that not even Lily fully got, the one who she practiced her banter and flirting techniques on, because it never _meant _anything. It was only _Sirius, _after all. He was her escape from boring stiff boring Christmas parties, her first bottle of Fire whiskey, and she was his summer getaway; the excuse to get away from his mum, with someone she liked, trusted. It had never been anything more. She belonged to Tommy, and he belonged to… the female population at large.

She had never been anything terribly important to him. He'd proved that, hadn't he?

Even if he did 'miss her'. Even if he had held her crying, and comforted her, and kissed her. None of it meant anything. He was only _Sirius, _after all. And she was only-

"Arghh!" She let out a scream as she felt herself fall.

When she allowed herself to open an eye, she adjusted and realized that she was in more physical pain than she could ever remember being in in her life. Every muscle in her body seemed to be tightened and tensed, except for her right leg, which was sprawled limply in front of her. Her head had hit the floor first and hardest, and she was pretty sure it was bleeding. On top of all of this, her still blazing-hot coffee had splashed onto her face and her hair, almost certainly leaving burns. The wetness in her face was a bitter mixture off coffee and tears, and she was starting to shake violently when she heard the _voice._

"Oh- God, are you all right?"

"_FINE!" _she screamed through her tears, "I am _fine, _and you can tell everyone else in this god-forsaken-school that I am _fine, _and next time anyone else wants to ask, I will still be _fine! I'm FINE!_"

The voice didn't respond, but another one said, quietly, "I'll take care of this, all right, mate?" Not a second later, she felt warm arms enclosing her body, and realized from the scent in the air that it was _him. _

He didn't say anything, but that was okay because she didn't particularly want to say anything back. She didn't particularly want to do anything but feel those warm arms, and she didn't even have to, because before he let go, she'd fallen asleep.

---

"Sirius- where's Marlene? I heard- Oh, my god, I heard- is she all right?" Marlene heard a sharp voice cry as she opened her eyes. It sounded oddly like Professor McGonagall, though Marlene could not imagine why she would be referring to either herself or Sirius by their first names.

"Minnie, Minnie. Marlene is in perfect conditions- for, you know, someone who's just taken a somersaulting lesson down three flights of stairs. In fact, I was just speaking to her, and she's feeling perfectly well." _Minnie. _The first voice had certainly not been that of the house-elf, but then, 'Minnie' was the nickname bestowed on the Professor by thousands of disrespectful and mischievous students of Hogwarts' history. James and Sirius were two of the only people Marlene knew who could get away with saying it to her face.

"You've spoken to her? Madame Pomfrey gave me the impression that she has been asleep for hours."

"Er- well; she is _now. _She woke up about twenty minutes ago; we had a nice little chat. She's doing just fine."

Marlene felt the urge to roll her eyes at the blatant lie, but her eyeballs weren't willing to move.

"I see. Well, if she was awake but twenty minutes ago, I don't see why I shouldn't go in and speak to her."

"Professor- I don't think that's the best-"

"I assure you, Black, I have no interest in what you think is best, and I am perfectly capable of making my own decisions." McGonagall said sharply. "One of my students attempted suicide today, and she nearly succeeded! I am going to speak to Marlene McKinnon now."

The door swung open, and Marlene opened her eyes and sat up, which was surprisingly easy. "Professor." She said weakly, looking up at McGonagall, who looked stern but relieved, and Sirius, who was smiling at her, but it was the sort of smile that didn't quite make it to his eyes, which were sad and concerned and hurt.

_One of my students attempted suicide today._

They all thought she'd tried to kill herself! Ridiculous, she told herself firmly, how could anyone believe such rubbish… and then it made sense. After all, she wasn't Marly anymore; she was Marlene, the depressed, newly- orphaned anorexic with the dead boyfriend. She wasn't speaking to her best friend. She wasn't eating or sleeping, she was cutting class and missing work, she hadn't been to Hogsmeade in months, and the castle was nearly empty today, anyway. Oh, God.

"I wasn't trying to kill myself!" She bursted, feeling hot tears of anger and embarrassment flood her cheeks.

McGonagall's face went white, and she shooed Sirius out of the room.

"Miss McKinnon- I know you've been through a lot of terrible things recently, and there's no reason to be ashamed-"

"There is _nothing _to be ashamed of, Professor McGonagall, except for the fact that all of my teachers and friends have no trouble believing that I would ever want to kill myself. God, _that's _embarrassing. I'm ashamed that you all think that. I would- you think I'd want to end my life? Really, Professor? Maybe I thought that once or twice, at the beginning, but _now- _how could I do that? Why- why would I give my life up on purpose, especially- _especially _since theirs' were taken?"

Professor McGonagall looked slightly guilty. "Well, I suppose- I suppose I've made a mistake, then, Miss McKinnon. I'm terribly sorry." She paused, before softening and adding, "I suspect Black would like to speak to you; he'll be grateful to you for covering up that ridiculous lie of his."

---

Sirius didn't come in. He'd left. He'd _gone. _He was still in the castle, of course, somewhere, but he certainly hadn't stuck around the hospistal Wing. Marlene had asked Madame Pomfrey when she announced that it was all right to leave for her dormitory, and he'd left the moment McGonagall shut the door. Didn't waste a minute, she said.

Why would he waste a minute on her?

Bitter. Bitter thoughts invading her head, angry and blood-tasting, and not even fair, but she listened to them anyway. She was the victim here, and Sirius was the one hurting her.

Somehow it all felt so much worse pretending.

She sighed angrily as she entered the portait hole to a greeting of silent stares, followed by whispers as she headed to the girls dorm.

Lily was crying.

Crying. Lily.

_Lily, crying._

"M-Marly!" a sob escaped the perfect pink mouth, which was trembling along with the rest of her. Lily stood up quickly and Marlene ran towards her and they joined in the warm, perfect hug that only existed among the truest of friends. They hugged and cried into each others shoulders and Lily sobbed about a kiss and James and the Shrieking Shack, and Marlene wailed about hot coffee and Sirius and _'everyone thinks I'm suicidal' _and you know what? 

They weren't so different after all.

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Tell me what you think of Chapter Six, longest chapter yet, definitely of this, possibly of any story I've written on here! If you want to know what Lily's so upset about, please check out Best Friend's Girl, my completed Lily story. It's fairly short, only 11 chapters and an epilogue. Review, please! 


	7. Shoe Box

Sirius looked towards his best friend in disgust. He was _humming. _

For the past week, James Potter had been walking around in some sort of Lily-induced trance. He was so _happy _all the time, grinning like a maniac and staring at her almost hungrily- she wasn't even going out with him. It was enough to make Sirius sick to his stomach. Remus was acting odd as well, moping around inexplicably and occasionally sending James a moody glare. The only Marauder who was acting like himself was _Peter, _who was so pathetically obsessed with James and Remus's drama that he was too annoying to remain in a room with for more than five minutes. Sirius was fairly certain that this whole mess had something to do with Evans, though he had no idea what had actually happened. The only reasoning he could come up with other than James' state of Lily-lust was that Evans herself was behaving strangely, too, probably worst of all.

Lily Evans was a nervous wreck, constantly biting her nails and muttering under her breath to no one- or at least, to no one who was in the room. Her emerald eyes darted around the room, focusing on nothing and no one, unless Remus happened to be in the vicinity, in which case they would be fixed firmly on him. Remus wasn't around often, though, because he had taken to abandoning traditional meals for his large collection of chocolate, which he ate alone in the dormitory. Sirius had decided that this was because he was trying to simultaneously avoid something and drown his pain in caramel fudge truffles. Lily Evans was eating a lot as well, Sirius had observed, not adding any weight to her gorgeous body, but certainly eating a lot. _She _wasn't eating enough at all. _She _had taken to cutting up her food into tiny pieces and then staring at it for the rest of the meal, with a look in her eyes that told him that she was hungry but couldn't bring herself to eat.

_He can't eat, _Sirius knew she was thinking, _so why should I?_

She was speaking to Evans again, had been ever since that that day when the universe fell apart. She was more talkative in general, perhaps to make it look like she was doing all right, but Sirius wasn't fooled. The situation was hitting her hard, and the idiots who were harassing her about it weren't helping anything. They had no idea when to back off and leave someone alone. Sirius had hexed seven obnoxious idiots this week after they interrogated her. He'd also punched three, kicked five, and made out with one just so she would shut up already.

She didn't know about any of it.

He hadn't even spoken to her since that day.

He wanted to, of course, wanted to ask and listen and do nothing but talk to her for hours, which he had never wanted with a girl or anyone else in his life.

He did now. He wanted all of it; he simply… couldn't find the words.

"I… looooooooovvvvveeee Youuuuuuuu…" 

"Shut _up, _James!"

---

Marlene looked at Lily in a mixture of worry and amusement as she squirmed, looking around in panic. James Potter had cornered her at last, after a week of sought conversations and constant chasing. Lily had run away, of course, avoiding him at all costs and then blaming it on pressing circumstances and ill-thought out excuses. Now, though, it would seem that she was trapped.

James, Lily, and Marlene were alone in the common room, free of distractions, and Lily had just made a fatal mistake. Before realizing that James was present, she had told Marlene, rather whiningly, that she had no plans whatsoever for the entire evening.

Upon hearing this, James had whipped off his exclusively notorious invisibility cloak, grinned at Marlene from behind Lily, and said,

"So, you've plenty of time to talk, then."

Lily had immediately turned as scarlet as her hair, and whirled around stammering like mad.

"Five minutes?" James asked pleadingly, "You can't avoid me forever!"

"But she could last a couple of years, though." Marlene offered cheekily, grinning at her friends. James glared at her, but Lily smiled a little before turning back to James uncertainly.

"So?" he asked, hazel eyes wide and voice groveling.

Lily bit her bottom lip and looked back at Marlene nervously. Tugging on a glossy curl, she winced.

"Five minutes?" she asked tentatively, and James grinned.

"_Excellent._ Marly-"

"I'm gone." Marlene assured him promptly, raising a teasing eyebrow. "Trust me, I don't want to see anything McGonagall might even _consider_ labeling 'inappropriate student interactions of affections.'" She shuddered.

James winked at her, as Lily looked even more worried. She smiled at them, and quickly climbed the stairs, grateful for the stolen moments of solitude.

Underneath her bed on the right corner behind the magazine pile, under the clean socks and on top of the Muggle candy bar stash was a box, which was hot pink, a foot long, and normally used for containing Muggle shoes. In fact, this same box had once held Lily's three-inch, suede peep-toe purple pumps. Lily had a love for ridiculously expensive, gorgeous, and painful shoes that Marlene had never shared or particularly understood.

The box no longer held shoes. It now contained three items that were not particularly visibly pleasing, or potentially useful as torture devises, and at first glance, they wouldn't have been of much value to anyone.

There was a cheap plastic ring; it's gold paint chipping off under the stick-on rhinestone sapphire. She tried, for the twentieth time in the past year, to slide it onto her finger, but despite the fact that they seemed smaller and frailer than ever before, it couldn't be pulled past her knuckle.

She picked up the next item, a faded piece of parchment, which contained a short note that had always been more meaning than words. She felt as though she should cry as she reread those familiar words but was there was once passionate emotion there was only the empty shadow of a feeling, faded as the parchment it was scribbled on. She read it again, wondering if she had missed something, some powerful, stirring phrase that would make her _feel _something. It didn't come.

Pushing the note away quickly, she picked up the third item. It was a photograph in a heavy silver frame, a picture of the three of them at seven years old. She was in the middle, of course, and she frowned at her own smile, healthy face and figure, bluntly cut childish bangs. Her eyes shimmered as she glanced towards the boy on her right, who was smiling directly at the camera. He was a classically good-looking boy, with his sandy hair and kind brown eyes, his white smile against tanned skin. Something about him, though, seemed so _practiced. _Maybe it was crew cut hair, so neat and well combed that it must have taken fifteen minutes to fix. It could have been his Muggle summer clothes, which were noticeably free of stains and wrinkles, or the way he was staring straight into the camera, never glancing towards the girl who had _always _looked at him with adoration and respect. A small, terrible part of Marlene knew that it was merely because Tommy was so painfully different from _him. His _hair was dark as his name, silken sloppy elegance, and his clothing could have and probably had been slept in and rolled around in a puddle of mud. _His _eyes were silver and passionate and laughing at the world-even at seven- and he never took them off of her. Nothing about his grin was rehearsed, but it was just as beautiful. _He _was just as beautiful.

She pushed those insistent thoughts away as much as she could. She didn't want to think of him. She _couldn't _think of him, because thinking of him could lead to being with him, which could lead to the one thing she had sworn she would never have again. And so she was going to stay away from Sirius Black, because Sirius Black was too beautiful and too strong and too smart and too _much, _and Sirius Black could only lead to disaster.


	8. A Night Out

Her determination to avoid Sirius Black at all costs was highly successful. She expertly avoided any and all contact with him, didn't even speak his name- at least, until ten minutes later, when her plans came to a screeching halt, all because of _Lily._

Lily had apparently ran up the stairs at top speed- which, for Lily, was ridiculously fast- as her cheeks were flushed a dark pink, her hair flying out of it's previously neat bun.

"How'd it go?" Marlene called as she stuck her head out from under the bed where she had dove to restore the box the moment she heard footsteps.

Lily was far too busy ripping apart her tall mahogany wardrobe to answer.

"Going somewhere?" Marlene asked curiously, as she stood up and noticed the short blue skirt Lily had just thrown among the multiplying pile of clean, fashionable clothes on the ground.

Lily turned quickly, studied her friend, and sighed. "Change. You can borrow something of mine." This was meant to be a generous suggestion, but sounded like a command.

"Where are we going?" Marlene asked warily, examining the bright melon colored dress that had made its way into her arms. "Why do you even have this? It _clashes _with your-"

"Petunia," Lily interrupted without taking her eyes off of the skimpy black top she was looking at critically. "It'll look nice on you, your hair's brown and she bought it a size too small on purpose." Lily discarded the shirt, and turned around to blink at Marlene who was still dressed in a loose camisole and her school skirt. "By the way, would it _kill you _to eat something?"

Marlene rolled her eyes, but persisted. "_Lily. _Where are we going?"

"No…no… ugh… Marly, do something with your hair." she tossed backwards a box of hair elastics, a bottle of taming potion, and a colorful headscarf.

"Lily. I am not _touching _my hair until you explain yourself."

"We are going out." Lily said, turning around to reveal a huge grin on her pretty face. "Dinner and dancing in Hogsmeade. Ooh, Marly, I haven't been out in _ages! _And James is paying for everything, it'll be so much-"

"But that's against the rules!" Marlene protested weakly.

"Since when do you care?" Lily snorted. Marlene decided that Lily knew her far too well. But then, two could play that game.

"Since when do you not care?"

"Since… James suggested we have a fun night out and I was bored?" she suggested, smiling.

"So, you and James are…"

"Having a fun night out." Lily shrugged innocently. "Besides, _you'll _be there."

"I- I can't tag along on your date." Marlene objected.

"Don't call it a date!" Lily said quickly, raising her eyebrows in panic. "It's not a date- I _told him _it wasn't a date- Oh, Merlin- he thinks it's a date! Wait- no. No, not a date. You're coming. Peter's coming. Sirius is coming." Relieved to have talked herself out of a panic, Lily returned to her now nearly empty wardrobe.

Marlene blinked at Lily, bit her lip, and finally sank into the bed, shaking her head. "Sirius is going?"

"Yeah!" Lily smiled, "See? You'll have someone to talk to! I mean- uh, since this is _not a date- _we'll all be talking to each other… but dance with, right?" She blushed, "Er- I thought, since James was so nice to do all this, you know, that I'd dance with him- but not as a date. Because this is _not-"_

"I can't go." Marlene interrupted quietly, staring up at the ceiling.

"Of course you can go. It's really a very simple process. And it'll be _fun, _Marly, real, genuine fun. You haven't had that in _ages, _Marlene, you haven't had that since-" Lily broke off, but bit her bottom lip. "We're all worried about you. No one wants to believe the suicide thing, and I don't, but the way you've been acting? You don't eat, you don't sleep, and you hardly talk to anyone- I haven't seen you smile in a week. Not _once, _and we spend practically every waking moment together! Half the reason I wanted to do any of this was for you. You _need _this, Marly."

Lily looked so serious and scared and genuinely concerned for her that Marlene couldn't refuse. She acquiesced, standing up and nodding quickly, hugging her best friend and trying not to cry. She slipped on Lily's shimmery dress and murderous heels and tied her hair back and put on mascara and for the first time in nine months she looked in the mirror and felt pretty, or at least tolerable. She pretended to be happy that Sirius was going, because Lily didn't need to worry about anything else, and as she walked out of the dormitory she looked at Lily and she smiled, and in that language they had where no one ever spoke a word, Lily understood.

I'm sorry you have to worry about me. I'm sorry that you're scared and that I'm an awful friend and that you're such a perfect one. I'm sorry for lying and I'm sorry a million times, and you're my best friend and I'll always love you most.

And Lily smiled back, I forgive you, Marls, I always do. I love you too; you know that'll never change.

For the moment, everything was all right.

---

She was smiling. It was the first thing he noticed as she made her way down the stairs with Evans, in this shimmering pink dress that couldn't have been hers, with glitter dusted over her suddenly vibrant blue eyes, and her hair was up and shining and healthy looking. Her collar-bone didn't seem to protrude as much, her arms looked like arms, for once, instead of helpless twigs on a dying branch, and though she was surely as skinny and sad and scarred as she had been when he last saw her three hours ago, she seemed, for the moment, _herself. _But he didn't notice any of that, at first.

What he noticed was the _smile. _She'd smiled every now and then, recently, but it was always the sarcastic smirk, or forced overly toothy grin, or that sad half-smile she would send him every now and then, when she thought she wasn't looking.

This was different. This smile was _real, _and it almost lasted, as her eyes flickered around the room, as they landed on James, who's smile was much larger, and Peter, who's was awkward as ever, and Remus, who was staring at Lily broodingly and not smiling at all. When they finally landed on him, it wavered a bit and then widened, her eyes locking with his for one flawless moment. Only one, before they landed on the blonde whispering nonsensically into his ear, and it disappeared altogether.


	9. Kindred Spirits

In all her life, she had never experienced such an awkward ten-minute walk. It was ridiculous; and, to make matters even more pathetic, it wasn't even awkward for everyone.

Lily and James were having a perfectly lovely time, laughing over something that had happened during one of their tutoring sessions. She looked soft and happy and just like a girl out with a boy who loved her should, and he looked like he was in the middle of the highlight of his life.

Which, Marlene reasoned, he probably was, at this point. Lily and James weren't bothering her, exactly. It was more what they stood for- the thing they possessed that she didn't.

What was killing her was _them. They _weren't talking at all- they had found something better to occupy their time with. It was revolting. She wanted to throw up.

She would have thrown up, but she feared that Lily wouldn't notice, James would laugh, the blonde would say something condescending and Sirius would be even more disgusted by her.

Throwing up wasn't a suitable option. Neither, apparently, was conversation. Remus and Peter had also come, but _Peter _had a date, too, some pink-cheeked fourth-year who looked thrilled to be there, _sneaking out with the Marauders, _and who kept eyeing James hopefully when she thought Peter wasn't looking.

This left her with Remus Lupin.

Marlene hadn't spoken to Remus Lupin since fifth year, when she asked him for a spare bit of parchment. Remus Lupin was too _quiet, _she reminded herself when she considered talking to him. Quiet people had always made her nervous. These days, she was rather quiet herself.

So the two quiet people walked along in silence, as Marlene considered Remus Lupin, for a moment. Remus Lupin always looked sick. He was thin, pale, covered in bruises and touched, gently, by prematurely gray hair. Lately, he had worn a perpetually morose expression, only heightened when he glanced towards Lily. He glanced towards Lily quite a lot, eyeing her with almost subtle longing and eyeing James with unexpected disdain. As he looked away, his face was devastating- full of disgust towards himself, undertones of anguish and fury hidden behind that. Marlene turned from him quickly. She felt as if she was interrupting something sacredly private.

She studied her own pale forearm, faintly traced by violet veins. The joint of her wrist protruded sharply, the bone almost visible under her translucent skin. There was a dark patch under her elbow, a reminder of her fall, shaped oddly like Ireland. Her stomach twisted as she thought of home.

She didn't want to think of home. She looked at _them _instead, and felt her facial muscles give way to the emotion that she had just witnessed. She turned her eyes to the ground, breathing quickly. She glanced at Remus. He had recovered quickly, his strong jaw set in stubborn expressionlessness. Her eyebrows fell back to their proper place, her mouth untwisting and eyes gently closing. She almost looked calm. Almost put on as good a disguise as Remus.

Remus had turned. He was looking at her now, eyeing her with a curious sort of understanding. His mouth flickered into a strange sort of smile, quick and fleeting, and he reached into his pocket and handed her something, flat and cold.

"Honeydukes Finest." She murmured, in a voice that didn't sound quite like her own. _Chocolate. _How odd. Hadn't he realized that she didn't eat?

His face told her that he had. "Have it anyway." He urged gently. "Almost helps, for a minute, at least."

Marlene frowned. She considered the bar in her hand carefully. She had never really liked chocolate. She unwrapped it slowly. It was hard, cold under her fingertips, nearly black in color. _Dark chocolate. _It was better than milk, anyway. It would probably be bitter, worse than black coffee, but at least it wouldn't be so sickly sweet, grainy with sugar. She struggled to break off a piece. It smelled too strongly. It was too _chocolate. _She would probably hate it.

She put it in her mouth.

It was sweeter than she'd expected, but not too terrible- it felt so strange in her mouth, the feel of something so solid, so _there. _It had been cool to the touch, but on her tongue it was warm. It was almost pleasant. Almost. She swallowed.

Remus looked at her expectantly. _Well?_

She took another bite.

He smiled. She smiled back, quickly. It felt so strange, smiling for him. She mused over the idea, for a moment. Oddly enough, she had found a kindred spirit in Remus Lupin.

---

They danced, a little, because among their dancing friends they felt out of place sitting down. They felt out of place on the floor, as well; neither was a particularly good dancer and even if they had been professionally trained, they still wouldn't _fit. _Both were all bone, neither strong enough to support the other. His hand on her shoulder was warm, though, calming down the gentle shaking. She was always shaking, a result of the anxiousness and caffeine dosages. It wasn't always noticeable, but it was still typically noticed, by the more observant. Remus didn't have to ask if she was cold. He understood. She was grateful.

He wasn't so bad, once you got him talking. He was actually funny, in the sardonic sort of way that Marlene welcomed. There were no jokes told. They both knew that awkwardness was only heightened by bad jokes.

Mostly they sat at the bar, not drinking but looking around. Rosmerta had been recently alerted that students were not, in fact, allowed in her pub outside of Hogsmeade visiting hours, so James had taken them to the Hog's Head. It was hazy, the strange smoke of magically altered cigars casting a daze over the odd set of visitors. The barman, who watched them all with a nonchalant sort of disapproval, had hauntingly blue eyes. Marlene shuddered as she looked at them, but after a moment found that she couldn't look away. There was something familiar about his look of bereavement.

Remus was looking at James and Lily again, though he babbled mindlessly of something she didn't understand. His speech was becoming more fragmented. Full sentences seemed impossible. Finally, she tore her eyes away from the barman.

"Rem?" she asked quietly, her face falling in sympathy as she saw what had caused his incoherency. Lily and James were kissing, slowly, innocently. His hand was twirling a strand of her long red hair, and her eyes had closed gently. They moved slowly together, and Marlene had never seen a pair so perfectly compatible in her life. It would have been sweet, if the circumstances were different. Awkwardly, she laid her hand on Remus's shoulder.

She wanted to say that Lily was making a stupid mistake, that she'd come around and that Remus would be happy and that everything would work out perfectly. She wanted to say that Lily still hadn't recovered from Remus's breaking up with her, that she was devastated and rebounding and that James meant nothing to her at all. She wanted to say something helpful and gentle and completely dishonest.

"I'm sorry." She muttered to his back.

He shook his head. "It's fine, Marlene. Quite all right."

He was speaking so formally. Over the course of the evening, she had grown to wonder if Remus Lupin really was sixteen.

"I think I should go. I'm allergic to smoke."

Marlene wanted to protest at the pathetic excuse, but didn't have the heart.

He got up. He forced a smile, shook the hair out of his pained eyes. "It's been nice talking to you, Marlene." He said in that quiet voice, and then turned.

_Don't leave me…_

She didn't say anything. She nodded towards his turned back. "You too." She muttered as he walked out of the door.

She looked around the bar. Sirius and the blonde were dancing, now. Lily and James were still kissing, but it seemed even less romantic. The barman still looked just as miserable. She glanced to the man at her right, an unshaven wizard who couldn't have been more than thirty. His eyes were full of tears as he gulped down the drink he had been holding still for the last few moments.

Fire whisky. Marlene pondered the idea curiously. She'd tried it, of course, but never like this. Never in a smoky bar, alone next to a crying man. Somehow, it seemed to be just what she needed.

---

_He lifted her effortlessly before she collapsed, scooping her limp body into his arms. She was so light… he was careful not to tighten his hold. He didn't know how much pressure her bones could take, especially in this state. Looking down at her, he scowled. Just like her, of course, getting completely trashed for the first time in the Hogshead, of all places. Confessing her love to someone she'd been blowing off for the past two months. Kissing him when she knew, in a more conscious state, what kind of effect she had on him._

_She did know, he assured himself angrily; he'd made it clear, hadn't he? _

_Maybe not clear. He'd hinted, at least. He'd thought it was obvious. _

_Her blue eyes opened suddenly, looking up at him. She shivered. She opened her mouth as if she was going to say something, launch into a babbling rant as she used to. Be the old Marlene, maybe, for once. Perhaps the drinking would bring it out, the side of her that had been in hiding for the past year. He looked at her hopefully, prodding her slightly. Her eyes were confused.  
_

"_Sirius…"_

_He nodded sharply, unexpectedly angry at the sound of his name. He didn't mean it… he wanted her to speak._

_Speak._

_She opened her mouth again, then closed it. She coughed._

"_I want…"_

_He didn't know what she wanted. He wouldn't find out, he realized. She would wake up in the morning, not remembering a thing. Perhaps she would tell him. Go on, he urged silently, Lena…_

_She closed her eyes._

* * *

**A/N: So... this chapter is not what I originally thought or intended it to be, but... I actually really like how it turned out. Please review, as I'd love to know your thoughts on this. Don't hit and run, folks! It's rude. I wouldn't do it to you... :)**


	10. Coming Clean

**A/N: Sorry it's been so long... I hope you enjoy this special Thanksgiving- Sorry, Hufflepuff- edition of The Art of The Mess. And yes, today's date is somewhat significant to the plot. Though, of course, this is set in England, so not in the typical Thanksgiving special way. Er. Just read the story. Thanks.

* * *

**

The water flowed over her like magma- scorching liquid trails running down her body, leaving crooked patterns across her legs. The trivial things were forgotten for a moment, things such as washing her hair or shaving. Any traditional form of cleansing had been abandoned. That wasn't her purpose, at the moment. Her purpose at the moment was to stand, to allow the water to warm and overcome her. Maybe break through, thaw more than just her skin. It was her insides that were cold, anyway.

She tilted her head back to face the souce, allowing the shower fawcett to spitt hot water into her open eyes. It didn't hurt. Nothing quite hurt anymore. She was numb.

Her mother had loved hot showers, said they were the perfect remedy. Heartaches or headaches, cramps or hangovers- or all of them, as the case may be. It didn't matter. A hot shower would always help. Lily loved bubble baths, overdone, scented things. Soft music and candles and a romance novel. An hour, at least. Marlene had occassionally worried that she would fall asleep, but she never had.

Marlene, herself, had never seen the fuss over such things. She had always hated baths as a child, and while they had grown on her as a neccessary part of the day, they were never anything to look forward to. Nothing special. She took a shower when she was sweaty and disgusting, not when she was in emotional or physical anguish. Not when she wanted to treat herself. She wasn't the type.

This morning, though, she had woken up with Sirius in the tunnel with the most murderous headache she had ever encountered. Her conversation with Sirius was far from pleasent, as she had practically accused him of raping her, only to be informed that she had gotten hammered at the Hogs Head, carried on hysterically, and done something involving Sirius that he was unwilling to tell her about.He'd saved her.

_Bloody hero. _Just like him, of course, to swoop in whenever she was in any sort of danger. Carry her off and stay with her through the night. Be compeltely furious at her the moment she woke up. Because he was Sirius, and that was how he was. Heroic.

She had run out of the tunnel at top speed and had no idea where to go. Becuase she was Marlene, and that was how she was. Lost. Normally, she would have gone to the tunnel, but today that was the place she was running from. She would have gone to the Owlery, but people were there. The dormitory, but _Lily _was there, and she had no idea whether she and Lily were even on speaking terms. It was entirely possible that she had done something terrible to her that Sirius hadn't mentioned. It seemed as though there was a lot that he hadn't mentioned. There seemed to be only one place left to go, and she went quickly.

The bathroom. She hadn't the faintest idea why she was going to the bathroom, but it was to the bathroom she went. The prefect's bathroom, though she wasn't a prefect. Lily had given her the password and no one seemed to care who was in there anyway, so long as they had the password.

And so she took a shower. She took her clothes off and stepped in, turning the water temperature as high as it would go. And she stood, under the water, until she was throbbing with heat and soaked. She suddenly felt awkward and as though she needed to do something. She lifted a hand to her head. Her hair was tangled, and she summoned her own bag of toiletries from the dormitory. It was horribly prissy, as there were several dispensers for every sort of shower product imaginable, but she needed something of her own.

Ten minutes later, she turned the fawcett off and stepped out, into the waiting fluffy towel. This was one of the advantages offered by the prefect's bathroom. Stumbling slightly, she picked up her bag and walked slowly to the mirror, flinching at what she saw.

Her hair wasn't curly anymore. It hung wet and limp, and all the way to the small of her back. _When had her hair gotten so long? _Her collarbone jutted out of her chest, just above the towel, and her arms settled, an awkward gap between them and her body. Her cheekbones were too prominent, sucked in as though she was blowing a kiss. Her eyes were frightfully large and even more frightfully _dull. _She looked like a zombie. Expressionless. Emotionless. Empty.

She shuddered, but not because of what she had seen. Her mother and Lily were wrong- hot water had not done a thing to make her feel better. Her skin had gone from it's usual white to a roasted pink, her punishment for spending so much time under the shower head. Her head was throbbing- her entire body was throbbing. Her skeleton was shaking, bouncing under her skin.The usually-comforting scent of her shampoo was too strong, overcoming. It made her sick to her stomach. Her stomach...

and there was an odd, unfamiliar feeling. Not pain, but a type of discomfort. She had known it once, she realized, but couldn't quite place her finger on it. It was like those actors in Muggle films. She would recognize one from previous marathons at Lily's house, but she could never recall the name or the movie.

_Where did _that _come from?_

A noise came from inside of her, a grunt or a rumbling. She stared at herself in the mirror and blinked in surprise.

She was hungry.

-x-x-x-

It felt strange, entering the dining hall with the intention of eating. She'd been to the dining hall hundreds of times in the past months, but never like this. To talk, to keep up appearences, to avoid going somewhere else- sure. Normal. But to _eat?_

She spotted Lily sitting with James and laughing. James' hand was cupped over hers, and she had a pretty sort of flush to her. _Lily, _she mused with a slight grin, _you are head-over-heels for James Potter. Thought we might never see the day._

Lily's eyes flickered towards her quickly, flooding with concern. Marlene smiled reassuringly, and Lily grinned back. _I think I'm in love. _she mouthed, glowing with happiness. Marlene laughed and tried not to think of Remus. She sat down a few seats away- they could clearly use the time alone. She didn't want to take an ounce of Lily's attention away from James just yet.

It was time.

Breathing inward deeply, she grabbed a plate. This alone attracted several odd looks from the people surrounding her. Smiling to herself, she began to pile the plate with food. Every kind of food available, all the things she used to love. Steak and chicken dishes, carrots and string beans and _potatoes. _

God, how she loved potatoes. It was the Irish blood, she had always said to onlookers. She used to eat alot. Especially potatoes. Mashed, no gravy. Baked, piled with butter and pepper and salt. Scalloped. Chips. Smothered in cheese. She took every sort of potatoe available. When she had finally filled the plate to her satisfaction, she stared at it, the smile growing across her face.

"That's quite a load you've got there, Marley."

She looked up. She was no longer _smiling- _she was grinning from ear to ear, her eyes lit and sparkling.

"You know me, Fab." She said, contentedly, "Me and my potatoes."

Fabian Prewett. Decent, loyal, honest and handsome. Funny and charming and downright _heroic. _Fabian Prewett saved her, once. Probably not her _life- _but something else that she was just as keen about protecting. She was a first-year and Lucius Malfoy was harrassing her and probably would have done much more than he did if Fabian Prewett hadn't have shown up.

Fabian Prewett had been a third year with lovely red hair and eyes the color of coffee and one of the most beautiful smiles she had ever seen. She was in love with Tommy, of course, but she had developed quite the crush on Fabian Prewett. She saw him from across the room, looking decent and heroic as alway, and she caught his eye.

And he saved her. They were friends from that day on, though each had always had that bit of a crush. She never suspected that Fabian's was anything more.

She hadn't spoken to Fabian Prewett in seven months.

They talked for the rest of lunch, as Marlene dug into her plate, eating ferociously and enjoying every bit of it. She laughed at almost everything he said. She hadn't realized how much she missed Fabian Prewett. He was just so _good, _despite his being so adorably screwed up. His older sister Molly had once yelled at her for toying with his emotions, which had left her extremely confused. His brother Gideon was a golden boy if there ever was one. His father hated him, he had told her once, though she didn't believe it. There was no way on earth a person could hate _Fabian Prewett._

The conversation went on for what must have been an hour, as the rest of the crowd gradually left the hall. They were the only two left when the voice came from behind her.

"Good food, Lena?"

She blinked slowly. Between the voice, the 'Lena', and the darkening expression on Fabian's face, there was no need to guess who was behind her.

She whirled around anyway, staring up blankly into his silver eyes. Surprising, he looked _happy. _This was both encouraging and terrifying.

"Delicious." she managed to croak, her throat suddenly dry and scratchy.

He nodded briskly, and appeared to be stifling a grin. "Prewett." he said finally, after a considerable silence.

"Black." Fabian replyed briskly. Fabian hated Sirius. The feeling was somewhat mutual. "Marly, I... I'm going to go."

"What?" she demanded, turning towards him. "Go where?" her voice pleaded with him. _Please don't leave me alone with him, Fabe._

"I..." He seemed to be searching for an excuse. "I have to go to the owlery. To mail a letter to Molly. She, uh. She's just had a baby."

"A baby?" Marlene asked, surprised. And trying to delay his departure.

"A boy." He nodded. "William." She got the impression that he was addressing these things so that she wouldn't have to ask them. So he could leave.

"Oh." She paused. "Tell her congratulations, for me."

"Right. Well. It's been nice talking to you." he said quickly, turning to leave before she could say anything.

She was alone with Sirius, who had clearly unoticed her unequivocal attempts to avoid being alone with him. The grin he had been trying to stifle had spread across his face.

"Well, Lena." He said cheerfully, "I think it's time for a talk."


End file.
